Despite all the work I have done to prove myself, all the hours I pour into bettering myself and my skills I can’t help but feel I am just pretending. Or I even worse that I am doing all this for nothing.
It is common advice for building confidence, ‘fake it, ’til you make it‘, but tI have been doing that my entire college career and I still feel like I lost my mom at the grocery store and trying not to loose my s*@!t. And I’m not alone in feeling this. Maybe you feel this way too, and there is a name for it. Imposter Syndrome.
According to Psychology Today, imposter syndrome (IS) is not a disorder, but rather patterns of behaviour, usually fed by fear of being exposed as a fraud. I am totally guilty of this. There have been countless times when I look around a room, be it in class, a work meeting, or a waiting room waiting for a job interview where I feel that I am not good enough. Or that I am the butt of everyone’s joke, like ‘we’ll take anyone at this point, even her’. Which is a wild thought given that my work speaks for itself.
I’m good at what I do, my ideas are good. So what causes me to think so low of myself? And it is partly that I know I am good at what I do because I get the recognition I deserve but I always have this gnawing feeling that people think higher of me than my self-perceived level of skill. I seem to disregard all the effort that I have put into myself and my skill set, often comparing myself to others and seeing my success as luck or being in the right place at the right time.
But this fear of not being good enough is complex. There are times when I feel so confident about myself and like I got this. Usually when I feel like I am more knowledgeable than the person(s) I am speaking to, but when it comes to my peers I freak out thinking that they’ll for sure be able to spot all my flaws and call me out on them. But it all boils down to these three self deprecating habits:
- I am a perfectionist. I want anything with my name attached to be perfect, a true reflection of my level of skills.
- 2. I fear failing, in a way that I work so hard I burn out, I never want to seem like the person who isn’t 100% into anything.
- and I undermine my achievements. I make it seem like all the work I put into my passions is ‘no big’ when in fact I want to be just as happy as those around me. Over time this has led me to become emotionally dead. I can’t remember the last time I had butterflies for something that really excited me, yes even coming to Scotland. I know I am excited but has lost the feeling.
I found a great article on Muse that references one of the leading IS expert, Valerie Young, here she catagorises the ways imposter syndrome can make its way into your life.
- The Perfectionist, wanting everything 100%, even if it’s not possible
- The Superperson, putting in so much work to prove that you’re committed to x.
- The Natural Genius, getting frustrated when things don’t come naturally as most other things do.
- The Soloist, feeling that the only way to succeed is to go it alone.
- The Expert,feeling that I’ll never be an expert in my field and that no matter how qualified I am, I will never be ‘qualified’.
And I have traits in all of the above. So to enjoy my success and regain control of my life I have to unpack these traits and re-learn to let go. I belong in the place I am today. I worked hard for it and so have you.
Until next time, be kind to yourselves.
-Rose xx
Isaias Dassum 